Yesterday I saw the funniest movie ever made. It’s called Cry-Baby and it features Johnny Depp doing a whole bunch of fifties stuff. Mostly singing and dancing obviously but also doing ridiculous hand greetings with his friends and watching Iggy Pop take a bath. Crazy movie, check it out.
In other news, I am reading the funniest book ever written. It’s called The Hitch Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy and it features some guy from Earth and a lot of aliens. You could call it an odyssee but that would set up expectations that are way, way off course of what you should expect. What you should expect is the least bit of sense you will ever find in any work of art. And since you all know my motto (‘Fuck sense’, made that up just now) it should be no surprise that I love it. The most common used phrase to describe it is ‘Monty Python in Space’. Crazy book, check it out. Or check out the movie which is also quite funny.
In other news, here’s something no one will care about. I’m watching some Futurama episodes again and I couldn’t help noticing this guy from the pilot:
Of course everyone who has seen the show knows this guy. No one knows his name, who gives a fuck anyway, we just know him as the WELCOME… TO THE WOOORLD OF TOMORROOOOW! guy. And you know what, for some reason this guy reminds me of Osahi. It’s probably some suppressed childhood memory, Osahi doing crappy Futurama impersonations during recess, but I always picture him when I see this guy. I can see Osahi standing at the entrance of a theme park, totally failed at his ambitious writing career, scaring little kids away as he shouts WELCOME… TO THE WOOORLD OF TOMORROOOOW! every thirty seconds. And then his boss criticises him because the theme park isn’t fucking called The World Of Tomorrow. It’s a pretty disturbing mental image and I wish I could get rid of it. Osahi, you bastard, start wearing contact lenses or something so you don’t look like this guy anymore. And get a haircut, for Pete’s sake.
In other news, I overuse the following words and/or phrases:
But Seriously.
Anyway.
Damnit Indy.
Awesome.
Damnit Osahi.
Banging hot chicks.
Huh?
What?
Who’s talking?
Let’s not go that way.
And some other ones, mostly nasty language. I’ll promise to not stop using them in the future.
What? What the hell was the point o’ that?
In other news, I was at work today and in the restroom lay one of those baby-born cards. You know, the ones couples give away to say ‘Look we’ve got a baby! Congratulate us and give us presents, you fairies!’. I never got the point of them. Anyway, there was something peculiar about this card. Parents these days tend to give their babies strange names. Names like Heilinde or Unibrau or Sony Bravia. I’ve seen my share of funny and strange names but none of them could prepare me for the horrors the card previously mentioned was about to unleash upon me.
The baby was called, I kid you not, Shitfuck.
I mean…
No!… No!…. Don’t applaud that! You are sick, sick people! Go see a doctor!
Okay, the baby wasn’t called Shitfuck. He or she was called Axl. But hell, that wouldn’t have made for a very interesting story, now would it?
We didn’t ask for another one of your boring stories you ignorant queer!
Who keeps shouting these italic phrases anyway?
WELCOME… TO THE WOOORLD OF TOMORROOOOW!
A-ha! I have you now, evil fiend! Away with the cherade! Post some more photographs of cans of beer that almost have your nickname on them and be off!
But seriously: Osahi’s a great guy. Just not on this blog. Here he wreaks havoc and interrupts what would otherwise have evolved into an interesting study on… well, something. And he fucks up Futurama pilot episodes. Of which there are many, I might add.
… What?
Word count: 665. That’s almost evil. Damnit, if only Indy had interrupted this piece of crap with one of his usual LOLs I would’ve had it. Ah well, better luck next time.
LOL!
Aaaargh, too late, you collapsing-dungeon-exploring twat! Geez, no sense of timing. Go buy yourself another whip and give yourself a spanking. And if you don’t, I will personally make sure that the feared fifth Indiana Jones movie, starring Shia Leboeuf as the main protagonist, gets made!
(shocked)… You… wouldn’t!
Okay I can’t come up with anything clever or dramatic to retort to …. you…. wouldn’t! so that’s it for this entry. So long, and check out Bob Saget’s stand-up comedy show and celebrity Roast if you haven’t done so already. Well, get on with it!
So that’s what it would have been like if I had invented the fing-longer! A man can dream, though… a man can dream…
That's what *they* said: