IKIL4CTU

Oh hello, didn’t notice you there.

Time to update this bloody thing. But first.

This is blasphemy!
…This is madness!

-Madness?
…
THIS
IS
SPARTAAAA!!!

Sorry, just had to say it.

I feel like doing a big post this time, but so far I’m stuck with a thought I had this afternoon after coming home from a gig and a visit to the café. The first three sentences really happened, all the rest is just crazy talk. Crazy? THIS IS LES BOS! Oh dear Lord, not again.

I’m playing table tennis with my sister. I’m not sure why. Just killing time waiting for the barbecue to get going, I guess. Suddenly a friend calls me on my cell phone.
‘Dude, [Teehee] wants to talk to you. Get your ass over here.’
‘What do you mean, [Teehee]? Why she wanna talk to me?’
‘Just get over here.’
‘But… barbeque… put her on.’
‘He wants to talk to you… She wants to see you in person’
‘Oh man… Fine, be there in twenty minutes. See ya.’
‘See ya.’
My heart is pounding like crazy. Maybe today’s the day. Get on my bike, dad asks why the hell I’m leaving, dinner’s ready, leave anyway, all can wait now.

I’ll probably add some other stuff to this post, so check back later. Well, since I now sort of promised to add stuff I’ll probably add nothing at all, but hey, whatcha gonna do about it. Don’t make me go Jack Bauer on your ass.

The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn’t matter.

Update 1

Osahi, you impatient bastard. Or Isaho or whatever you’re calling yourself these days. Can’t even wait for the first update, tsk. Anyway, here it is.

Midnight: I arrive at the café. I practice my sexy look and smell my armpits before I enter. Shouldn’t have done that, now I’m feeling sick. Inside, I buy a beer and go to the table where my friend and [Bleep] are sitting. There, now it’s bleep, away with teehee, revoluçión! I’m feeling excited and still a little sick from the armpits. My friend says something like ‘Ah, there you are!’ and then he leaves me and [Bleep] to join another table. We’re alone again and once again, things are rather awkward. After a few seconds, I break the silence.

But what will happen next? I have no idea, but stay tuned.

Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.

Update 2

Pick me, pick me? Sorry, I don’t swing that way, pal. And what’s with Asiho, two comments on one post, the man has lost it! Not that he ever had it in the first place. Whatever it is that we’re talking about. As a matter of fact, I’m the only one talking here. And for that matter, whatever happened to Talking Heads? Did you know there’s a talking head in the bus from the third Harry Potter movie? Maybe I should take a bus to school tomorrow.

-Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?
-I drift in and out.

I break the silence by farting really loud. Beats the hell out of vomiting all over her to make a first impression. Just kidding. I fart, but it’s not a loud one. It’s one of those silent killers, you know, the ones where everyone goes ‘Uaaah! Who-the-hell was that?!’ after a few seconds. I can only hope her nose is too sexed up by my irrestistable eau de cologne to smell the fart. She doesn’t look too grossed out, so I guess I didn’t blow my chance yet.
‘So, how are you today?’
‘I’m good, I’m good, you?’
‘Never better.’
Another painful silence. I should hire Jack Bauer to kill the silence inventor.
‘So… my friend said you wanted to tell me something. Is something wrong?’
‘No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just, uhm…’

Man, I suck at writing interesting conversations. Would be easier if all of this actually happened. Maybe it’ll be easier next time. Keep making comments so I can make fun of you all in the next update. At least that’ll be something worth reading.

When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

Update 3

Stijn tried to come up with a decent script for his next short movie, then he read my blog and quit trying. Figured he might as well steal my material and turn that into a movie, the fist fightin’ son of a gun. He did ask me, mind you, such a nice boy when he’s not being a complete asshole. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about: the short story in this post might be turned into a short movie by Stijn. So let’s try and finish this load of bollocks so God can see if it’s worthy or not. Indy and the other guy, Uhusu was it?, will have to wait until the next update.

I remember the last time she tried to talk to me. My brother had paid a visit to the café about an hour before I arrived there, and she wanted to talk about him. Then again, who doesn’t want to talk about a guy whose nickname is Pearhead? Anyway.
‘Say, your brother was here today.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘He doesn’t look like you at all. He told me he was your brother and I just couldn’t believe it.’
‘Heh.’
Fucking heh? Come on, think of something interesting to say, you cunt. Fucking… say… something… fucking. She takes another glance at me, smiles in her very adorable way and then turns to someone else. I fucked up again.

I should really try to say some decent stuff to her today. Try to tell her how I feel, hell, just asking her out for a date would be more than enough. Come on, get your act together. Deliver. Adapt. Quan Chi. Oh wait, that was the guy from Mortal Kombat. Damnit, how did the line from Collateral go?

‘Tom, I have to tell you something.’
‘I also got something to say, but you can go first.’
She smiles. Ah, that wonderful smile. Now I know why I can’t get to sleep at night, the thought of that smile keeps me up no matter how tired I am.
‘Alright. Tom, I think I know how you feel about me.’
Fuck. So much for my grande entrée. Women, heh.

Hmm, can’t really think of the next line just now, check back soon for another update.

Jack Bauer wasn’t born. He was unleashed.

Update 4

Aah, now I get it! It’s Isaho. Isäho would be better, with that Jägermeister ä. Ah, Jägermeister, now there’s a great brand of, well, whatever the deuce it is. Whisky? Wodka? Wee?
…
-HE SAID WEE! LOL!
Shut up. Who said that? Was it Indy? I knew it was! Damn sneaky bastard, comes in here, hears a silly word, giggles too loud for his own good, shouts out LOL and then buggers off. Didn’t even bother to give me a decent ZOMGROFLWTFLMAOBBQ or something like that. Kids these days, I spit on all of you! Spit! There, you think I enjoy spitting on you? As a matter of fact, I do! I enjoyed it so much I’m going to do it again! But not now, there’s a group of medieval looking guys yelling ‘GET ON WITH IT!’ behind my back, and they look in the mood for kissing the love all night long. So… just going to turn away now… to my table… and get on with the story.

‘I… uh… what?’
‘I think you’re in love with me.’
She’s good. Of course she is.
‘And why do you think that?’
‘Think what?’
‘Well, you know, what you just said.’
‘No, I want to hear you say it.’
‘Say what?’
‘What I just said.’
She wants me to tell her I love her? Why is she one step ahead of me? Damnit, I should be wearing the pants around here! As a matter of fact, I am wearing pants. But maybe that’s not the point right now. Time to put my foot down! … Well, that didn’t change anything, now my foot is on the ground instead of hovering a few inches above the floor. Time to put my fist on the table! Ouch! That hurt! Is that bleeding? No, I guess not. Still ouch though!
‘Why’d you do that for?’
‘I… uh… never mind. So, uhm, what did you say again?’
‘You know what I said. Come on Tom, say it. For me.’
Ah sweet Jezus mother of God! Jezus isn’t even God’s mother, that’s how nervous I am. Why did she have to say ‘For me’, now there’s no way out without being disrespectful to her. Fuck it all, time to rock this town.
‘Alright, I give up. Let’s go some place outside, I wanna discuss this alone with you.’
‘Okay.’
She follows me outside. My chest is going to explode soon. I wonder if an alien will pop out.
‘You got a bike?’
‘No, came here by car.’
‘Hmm… Well, wanna hop on? I warn you, this luggage rack could get pretty painful.’
She smiles.
‘Sure, I’ll give it a go. Where are we going?’
‘I have no idea.’
And off we go. After five minutes of driving, where the hell are we going anyway, she puts her arms around me. Clever girl. I decide we should go to the park. There’s a few nice, quiet places over there. Ah yes, the park it is then.

See you very shortly.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.

Update 5

The fifth and final update, in which the name of the girl is revealed and the movie Dogville ends. Wait a minute, that’s not right. God bless you, John Hurt. Your movies and narrations have brought pleasure to millions! And what a sweet ass.

We arrive at the park. She gets off the luggage rack, very graciously I might add.
‘My ass hurts!’
‘Told you, that luggage rack is pure evil.’
‘Alright, let’s sit over here.’
‘Sure.’
I’m so nervous I’ll probably forget to use real words. Nasagatogah wassabooga nipplepinchie! Damn it Tom, get your shit together. And please don’t fart again.
‘Carmen, I have to tell you something.’
She smiles. Thank God for that smile.
‘Carmen, I…’
Now! Do it! Go for it, tiger!
Why is the voice in my head calling me a tiger? That’s pretty disturbing.
‘Carmen, I love you.’
By John… I did it… Hey, that wasn’t that hard. I don’t know what these women are always complaining ab–
‘Finally.’
She looks deep into my eyes, gives me the most beautiful of smiles, pulls me towards her and kisses me. The voice inside my head says something along the lines of ‘Great work champ’, but I’m not listening anymore. I surrender to her. Remember today, little brother. Today, life is good.

‘Dude, wake up.’
With a loud yelping noise I awake from my sleep. Where the hell am I?
‘Come on dude, let’s go get a beer. I’m buying.’
I’m in the park. She’s gone. Of course she is.
‘You go ahead to the café, I’ll meet you there in five minutes. Jupiler, not Stella.’
‘Sure thing buddy.’
He rides off. I’m alone in the park where we first kissed, two and a half years ago. I pull my wallet out, and take a look at her picture. She’s smiling. Carmen. Born February 14th, 1987. Died August 8th, 2007.
I miss you honey. Every single day.

I want to thank Stijn, Jack Bauer and Jägermeister for making this post possible. See you next time, hope you enjoyed this.